Don’t let me try to heal myself
I’ll only go and burn what’s left
of bridges built by someone else:
the one who found me.
Is there really no way out
only way I dig is down.
Searched the seas and I have found
no silver lining.
Money and love can’t buy the truth
I’ll tell you now I’m not scared to lose
I’ll do whatever I have to do
no more pretending,
something’s ending.
Right here right now, it’s me or it’s you
this body wasn’t made to handle two.
I’ve got the knife, now it’s time to choose
which one is ending
someone’s ending.
Can’t count knives I plunged into you
and although the blood that’s spilled is blue
I feel the pain and you aren’t subdued.
my soul is bending
there is no ending.
Deeper and stronger,
darker it gets.
The night has grown longer
always blue, wet.
Your end is reversal,
a second installment.
My pain is eternal,
but just for a moment.
We’re in this together
bleeding forever
until morning comes
and you fade with the sun.
This one has (as I'm learning most of my work does) a bit of conflict with itself. There is an obvious struggle between two characters in the poem, who are, as we see in the fourth stanza, the same person. The narrator seems to be fighting for control over the other, but is at a loss of how to win. They are beginning to understand that the struggle is, as the title suggests, eternal. But just for a moment. Once again, a conflict of terms: something cannot be momentary and eternal at the same time. I think that's the point of the poem; the pain the narrator is facing is recurring, but it isn't always there. In the final stanza, the narrator states: "We're in this together // bleeding forever // until morning comes // and you fade with the sun." The pain is eternal in the moment, but it doesn't last forever. The sun does rise, and relief does come.
There's also a theme of self-harm in the poem, something of a warning against it. Several times the narrator mentions that they've got a knife, and implies that they have and are going to use it on the other. But this seems to have very little lasting effect. In the fifth stanza, it spills the other's blood but the pain and the other person do not go away. Yet the narrator has done it time and time again: "can't count the knives I plunged into you". Unfortunately, that's a trap many fall into; it allows the pain to be shifted away for a moment, to be sent to physical receptors rather than mental/emotional ones. But it is never a productive way to cope. It only delays the inevitable, sometimes even making it stronger when it returns.
In the first stanza, the narrator says, "don't let me try to heal myself." I think this is the conclusion to the narrator's struggle. They realize that, by themself, the fight is eternal. They don't know how to effectively help themself, and need help (it's hinted that they received help at one point: "bridges built by someone else: // the one who found me."). If you're hurting, if you feel that your pain is eternal and the fight can't be won, get help. It can be as simple as talking to someone you trust, and could lead to therapy or medication. But don't try to fight alone, a hurting mind is often irrational and rarely finds the best solutions. Stay safe, and don't be afraid to be open; everyone, and I mean everyone, has problems.
Sorry for the mini-essay, have a great weekend!
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