Not a shadow in sight
nor a tear in the night.
Stop me from feeling so pensively light.
Pensive.
Should lightness be pensive?
The morning is bright
with carefree light
that lowers no brows
and knows no bounds.
Pensive is sober
a feeling much older.
Not quite right
for youthful light.
Lightness is not pensive.
I come from a place
pale and perplexing.
I feel out of place
as darkness is ending.
Pensive.
I feel pensive.
Good.
I feel good.
Pensively good
is how I feel.
I think I feel good
I think this is real.
This poem carries over directly after the last one, giving a bit of light on what sometimes follows a victory over mental struggles.
One would think that silencing your inner demons would bring peace, happiness, and rest. And it often does. But, in my experience, it sometimes brings an eerie sort of uncertainty. I find myself hesitant to feel good, sometimes even unsure what it means to be feel good. More often than not I feel like something’s missing, like I shouldn’t be able to feel good or I’ve forgotten how. So, like our Pale Friend, I find myself feeling pensively good. I know that things are better—I genuinely do feel better—but there’s a level of caution that hinders me from really feeling good.
I’ve touched on this topic in several other poems, so I won’t drag it out. But I do want to note that there are both positives and negatives to feeling pensively good. On the one hand, it keeps your guard up against things you know you struggle with. Having been through a battle you know is connected to a recurring war, you are able to stay alert for the next bout. But at the same time, being on guard all the time prevents you from resting and appreciating life.
There is a difficult balance that needs to be upheld. It looks different for everyone, but there are some stable go-to’s that I believe are universal. One is family and friends. Having people that know you and your struggle is vital to both enduring the fight and being able to rest. Being open with them and trusting them is essential to this. Another—the one that has been the most beneficial in my life—is going to God. No one knows you better than He does, and no one knows how to help you better. He can help you rest while equipping you with the tools you need to endure and fight a little longer.
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