Every day
it’s growing nearer
with each wake
there’s less I hear.
An emptiness hounds
my ears of mind
consuming sound
leaving silence behind.
thump—thump
thump—thump
thump—thump
I waited for voices
but nobody spoke.
I thought you would notice
and give me some hope.
“Return to the truth!”
I know it well.
“God loves you!”
He saved me from hell.
The truth is real
and I believe
but I want to hear
I want to feel.
I’m sure it’s my fault
something I have to change.
but give me a spark
light up my brain.
It’s deaf and it’s cold
growing further from you
I have nothing to hold
nothing more I can lose.
thump—thump
thump—thump
thump—
This poem details emptiness and a sort of subdued mind. Despite how loud my mind can be at times, this one is pretty real to me. But I definitely don't think it's a unique struggle. I think everyone at some point struggles with what the poem entails. Although the reasons why may differ.
For me, I seem to dip into occasional periods of silence and emptiness. Whether the result of medication, feeling low, or whatever else, I have these times when it's hard to feel anything. As a Christian, this can feel really crippling to my faith. It feels like God isn't speaking to me, like He's shut me off or put a wall up. During these times I often scour through my life searching for reasons I feel this way, asking myself if there's something I've done that puts up a wall between us. And while this can sometimes be the case, it often undermines grace. God doesn't just acknowledge us when we're on the right track, otherwise I don't think any of us would hear Him all that much.
The poem may not end on a positive note, but I think what it's doing is crucial to how I need to respond during these times. First, in the fifth and sixth stanzas, the poem talks about having comfort in the truth. This is important, and I think being grounded sets the foundation for endurance. The second part is in the ending and general tone of the poem. The narrator is at their wit's end, and they're crying out for help. From my experience, it's in these situations that God works most. And while the poem suggests the narrator came to a different conclusion, this doesn't mean we have to. Part of believing and following Christ is knowing that life is going to be rough and choosing to endure even when we don't feel like we have a direct line to God. Spiritual highs wouldn't be highs without some lows. If you're feeling empty and detached, keep enduring, God does give relief at the right time.
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